Dental Hijinx - justin_guber

Dental Hijinx

Everybody has a fear of that man (or woman) with the pliers, stanley blade and really small motorized brushes.

No, not the hobbie-geek, the dentist.

I don't know many people who love dental visits a la Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors, and I am no exception. My jaw is still swollen and my tooth (or lack of) still aches, an annoying little pain, a dental manifestation of that annoying git in the pub who won't shut the fuck up.

And there is no last call.

I went in for the surgery on Monday. I knew I wouldn't be fasting, and I also knew I wouldn't be eating something solid for at least a week, so after visiting my girlfriend during her lunch break I headed straight to Burger King for a Whopper w/ Cheese (no pickles, no onions), onion rings (yes, I don't like onions in general except in onion rings), a large coke and a cheeseburger.

I didn't finish the cheeseburger.

Then to the dentists. Mr. Dentist (who's name I can never remember) explained the procedure to me after an x-ray.

"Are there any risks?" I asked.

"Well..." he replied, picking his words carefully, "every operation isn't without risks. The only risk is nerve damage, which may paralyze your jaw or kill all feeling in that region. But don't worry. I've done loads of these, and I haven't screwed up once".

By that rationality, wouldn't the dentists' propensity to fuck up be considerably high?

"We'll also be taking out your top wisdom tooth. Hope you don't mind."

Could've warned me, you sadist in a white robe.

He then proceeded to take out a steel needle the size of one of those artificial insemenators for cows filled with anaesthetic and jabbed the inside of my mouth a couple times.

Not lovin' it, so far.

They then brought me to the operating table and put a piece of cloth over my head. Apparently Aza's dentist distracted her with rock music. No such luck here.

My mouth was numb, and I couldn't feel any pain, but that doesn't mean I couldn't feel. The scalpel was practically unnoticed but the drill, oh dear god, the drill. It sounded like they were mining for diamonds or something: VVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRVVRVRVRVVVVRRRRRVVVRRRRR...!!!!!

Dentists also seem to assume that since your drugged up you must be drugged up all over. The nurse was pitching my bottom lip over my teeth on the un-drugged side of mouth, and everyone was clinging and clanging their tools against my teeth with reckless abandon, or prying my jaw open with their bare hands, as the crunchy sound of...

"AAaarrgghhhGGHH!!!!"

"Was that pain or pressure?" asked the dentist. I could've sworn I heard 'pain or pleasure'.

"Paiiihhhh...!!!! PAAAIIHH!!!!"

"Ah, I see what the problem is! We've drilled through a nerve, not to worry."

And then they drugged me some more.

See, to take out the bottom wisdom tooth, they had to cut the fucker in half, hence the scalpel cutting up the gums and the excessive drilling, sawing, etcetera. Crunch crunch creek crunch...

"We're gonna need bigger pliers."

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRREEEEEKK CCCRRRUUNCHHHH.... SNAP!

Ow.

"And now the other half."

By this point I could've sworn they just shoved a piece of timber into a loose part of the gum and tried to heave the rest of the fucker out.

CRACKKKK CCCRRRRAAAACCCKKK CCCCCCCCRRRAAAAACCCCKKKLLLLE... POP!

I felt like a fucking cereal.

"And now the top one."

Squeek squeek squeek crunch. CCCRRRuuunnncch. CCCRRRRUUUUNNNNCCCCHHHH. CRACK CRUNCHHH CCCRRAAACKKK CRRUNCCCCHH... plop.

"All done."

Ow. Ow. OW.

I went home with a blood filled piece of gauze in my jaw and no feeling in my lips. For now. I spent the remaining two days watching Buffy Season One amidst painkillers, mouth rinse, KFC whipped potato and tomato soup.

The second this thing heals I'm having a fucking steak.

3.11.04 03:59

Permalink

To date 0 Comment(s) TrackBack-URL